The Head vs. The Heart

February 8th - Matched and started talking on OkCupid
February 13th - Started texting
February 15th - First phone date, it lasted exactly 5 hours and 20 minutes
February 22nd - First date, went to the USU v. Weber State hockey game (we lost)
February 22nd - We held hands and kissed for the first time
March 11th - We (seriously) talked about getting married for the first time
March 13th - He told me he loved me for the first time

I've truly never felt this way about someone before. Shortly after we started talking (and I mean SHORTLY) I felt like he was the one. It's not like it was love at first sight and I wasn't head over heels for the guy, but I had this sense of familiarity. Kind of like it just clicked. Like "oh yeah, it's you. You're the one." That feeling came on February 14th. About a week after we had started talking. Crazy, right?

Now here's the problem. There aren't actions to match the feelings or words. Although he tells me he loves me, that he wants to marry me, that I'm the one for him, that we need to plan when we're getting married and where we're living and what he's doing with his house, etc, etc. He hasn't taken the time to take me on a second date! It's been over a month since our first date, over a month since I've seen him and kissed him. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he hasn't been able to carve out an hour of his time to spend with me in the last month.

I've offered to drive down to Layton, I've told him we don't have to do anything besides sit on the couch and just be together. I've asked so many times to let me see him (sometimes it's felt like begging) and I don't think he knows how incredibly unwanted and unimportant and stupid and desperate it makes me feel. At least I hope he doesn't know, because if he knew and still did this, that would make him so incredibly cruel. I just don't understand.

Part of me wants to simply give up. I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who takes the time to see me. Someone who wants to be with me. Someone who can't go a month without holding my hand or kissing me.
Honestly, if it were anyone else, I probably would have given up. A while ago. But there's something about this one. Something that is stopping me from walking away.

The funny thing is... I'm in love with him. I do want to marry him. I want to spend my life with him. Have kids with him. Sleep next to him. Walk dogs with him. Kiss him everyday. I want all of that. And I'd tell him that, but not over the phone. And to be 100% honest, I'm not sure how much longer I can handle a relationship over the phone.

Future Kiddos

Hey kids! I’m going to try really hard not to sound like Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” but I promise nothing. 

It’s really cool to think that in a few years, you might be a reality instead of just a dream. I want you to know how bad I want you and love you already. The past few weeks I can’t stop thinking about you! The only problem is I haven’t met your dad yet, or if I have, he’s not interested in me right now... awkward.

I’ve been nervous for awhile that I won’t be able to have kids. I’m not sure why I think this. Maybe it’s because I just want kids so badly...

But I recently heard of a fertility test called Modern Fertility. It’s an at-home blood test you can take and it tells you how many eggs you have left, how well they’re being released during ovulation, and it tests other hormone levels that could affect fertility. So I took that test this morning, and I’m praying for the best. I know there are always other options, but I’ll be devastated if I can’t have one of my own. I want nothing more than to meet and marry the love of my life, then make a little human that is the best parts of us both ❤️ 

Mom

My mom was easily the best person I knew. She gave me the world and would have given me more if she could have. This doesn't mean I was spoiled. At all. In any sense of the word. In fact, I remember being upset when my friends or cousins got more privileges and material things than I did. I failed to recognize, however, that my mom was giving me even more than their parents. Not only did I have all my needs (and many of my wants) met, but I was learning work ethic and patience.

My mom had to do a lot of really hard things that I didn't understand when I was little. She was a single mom, which in and of itself is a full time job. Plus she had a full time job! And she was single and didn't date, which I'm sure was really hard. I mean, it's hard for me not to be dating and I'm 24, so I can only imagine how lonely she must've felt a lot of the time. She also started living with my grandpa shortly after my grandma passed away. I'm sure she felt some sort of responsibility for him as well. 

As a little girl, she didn't learn a lot of good coping strategies. She was brought up as one of seven children in a home that struggled to get by. She also grew up in a time that mental health wasn't an issue that could be talked about without there being some type of stigma. A lot of my family says she was bipolar or depressed, I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that, just as I need therapy now, she probably could have benefited from it then.

Instead, she turned to alcohol. I don't tell people this part about my mom because I don't ever want anyone thinking badly of her. Ever. She doesn't deserve that. She was the best mom I could have ever imagined of having. But when she turned to alcohol, it changed the way she was, as it does with anyone. She was a worse driver and we ended up getting in 2 car accidents, one was just outside my elementary school and I was mortified. I was so angry with her that I wouldn't sit in the car with her while the police sorted everything out. Later I felt really bad for treating her that way. She also passed out a lot. It was always at night, so it wasn't a big deal. I actually don't remember it happening a lot, I just remember that sometimes I would try to wake her up but she wouldn't wake up to get into bed. I was talking to my cousin Elizabeth a while ago and she told me a story that I don't remember at all, but it seems 100% plausible. She said that she brought me home one night and my mom was passed out on the couch. We tried to wake her up but she wouldn't wake up. My cousin of course knew what the situation was. She wanted to stay with me and was so upset that my mom would put her young daughter in a situation like that. But I was calm, cool and collected. I got a blanket and covered her up on the couch and said "It's okay, Auntie Beth, I know what to do." Then I proceeded to get my jammies on, brush my teeth, and get into my bed. I tucked myself in, set the alarm, and my cousin realized that - sure enough, I knew exactly what to do. Which made her so sad for me. 

When I was about 10 or 11 I caught on to what was going on. I'd see her bottles of vodka or catch her drinking them and pretend I didn't see her. I remember one time I knew she was drinking in her room and I wanted to talk to her but I wanted to save her the embarrassment of me catching her. So I started at the end of the hallway, calling her name, then walked slowly down the hallway and said her name again before sticking my head in the doorway. When I finally reached her door was when I heard the vodka swish in the bottle and saw her hand move so that she was holding it behind the bed frame where I couldn't see it. As time went on, I started confronting her about it. We had multiple fights about it and I begged her to stop drinking because, even though I was young, I knew how bad it was for you. I remember one night she had passed out on the couch, so I went and found a bottle of her vodka and poured it down the drain. Then I put a post-it note on it that said "you promised" and I put it back in her hiding spot. After that, she really did stop. She started going to AA meetings and she was done drinking. But it was too late.

She developed cirrhosis of the live and passed away when I was 12. Seeing her sick was worse than seeing her drunk, except for the fact that I couldn't blame her for it. I kind of did though, because if she hadn't drank so much, she wouldn't have been sick.

Sometimes I still get mad at her for that, for leaving me without a mom. I know it was a sickness and I know she couldn't help it. But part of my thinks that she could have. I hate being mad at her but sometimes I can't help it.

I miss her more than words can say. There are a lot of days when things happen, good and bad, that I just really want my mom for. When bad things happen I want her to be there for me and to talk me through it and to give me advice and tell me that everything is going to be okay. And there are times when good things happen that I want her to be there and to celebrate with me and be proud of me and brag about me to her friends. Then there are days that I just need her. I need to feel that kind of hug that only a mom can give, and I want to lay on the couch with my head on her lap so she can play with my hair and ask me about my day. I want her to know what I'm studying and where I'm working and who I'm dating and I want to complain about my roommates to her. I want her to meet the man I'm going to marry and be there when my kids are born and roll my eyes at how much she spoils that and tell me all kinds of stories of what I have to look forward to when I'm old. 

But I won't ever get any of that, and I'm not quite sure how to handle that.

The Struggle

So I've been struggling lately with being positive. It has just been really hard for me and I can't really put my finger on the reason. This entire year, especially following my dad's death in October, it has been so hard for me to socialize. I think this is because, when my dad died I had a really hard time with it and I really struggled with talking to people about it. I didn't know why I was feeling the way I was feeling and I couldn't really make them understand. I knew most people had no idea what to say so I just decided to spare them the details and not talk about it. Well, considering that was pretty much the only thing on my mind for a while there, I just didn't talk as much, because I had nothing else to talk about.

But the world didn't stop for me and my grief. So I lost all the friends that I did have - except for Kelsey, my roommate. She stuck with me through all the crying and confusion and helped to comfort and distract me. But everyone else stopped talking to me because I was not as fun or as nice to talk to.

Now I'm extra depressed because I don't have any friends, so I get upset and stay in my room.. which doesn't make me any more friends. It's a vicious cycle that I just can't win.

I even had a big fight with Kelsey about it, which completely broke my heart. She is the one friend I have so I really can't afford to lose her! So I'm going to therapy starting next week, or at least trying to! I have a consultation set up on Feb 28th, hopefully it goes well and I can keep going to get some help working through my problems. Life struggles are always easier when someone else helps you..

The 26th of November

Yesterday I went to my best friend's wedding. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am so incredibly happy for her, and that she was sealed to the man she loves for eternity. But at the same time, I couldn't help but have the selfish feelings of sadness as I realized that my best friend is married now. And things will forever be different. I hope that I'll still get to keep in contact with her, but we all know that things change significantly once one friend is married and the other is still [painfully] single.

I couldn't stay for the entire day of festivities and celebrations, which I feel somewhat bad for. But I could only do what I was emotionally able to handle. And that's what I did.

I do have to say, seeing her be sealed was one of the greatest things. She looked so incredibly beautiful and so happy! Steve is perfect for her. After the sealing, when we got to go give them hugs, I hugged Steve first and he said that I better hang out with them, which made me feel pretty good. Then he said that even if they have to drive up here, we'd see each other. Then I gave Katie a hug and said "I love you so much" and she said she loved me too and we had a nice long tight hug. She even put her hand on the back of my head like she did to her sister Kim, and it made me feel so good! I love that girl like a sister and I'd do anything to stay in her life. Even if it means I'm a permanent 3rd wheel.

Believing Him

The past few weeks have been... a challenge to say the least. 

My dad passed away on October 14th. He suffered a heart attack while getting ready for work. At first I think I was in a bit of shock. I hadn't talked to him in months and I couldn't believe how he could be gone just like that. The night I found out I was pretty sad - and my home teacher and bishop came over which was really nice of them. I felt like I needed to go home for the funeral but had no way to pay for it, so my bishop generously offered to pay for my plane ticket home. He told me that he has lots of frequent flyer miles and he could use those for me. 

So I flew home for two days to attend the funeral. It was a needed experience, I think. Although I haven't seen that side of my family in some time (most of my life) the majority of them knew exactly who I was. It was a little reassuring to have them see me and recognize me and hug me. It was really emotional seeing my dad - it was an open casket funeral. Seeing him made it all so real to me and it was almost like finding out all over again that he was gone. 

I got to look at the pictures that were set up around his casket, I found out that he had gotten married a few years ago, then got divorced, but they had started seeing each other in the recent months. I'm not sure how I felt about that - I think I feel happy knowing that he had found love and had someone that cared about him in this last part of his life.

This whole experience has been so very emotional because of all of the regrets I have about not doing my part to have a relationship with him. I know that he wasn't a great dad and wasn't the best role model for me but I will never get that opportunity again, and that's hard. I also don't want those regrets with anyone else in my life. So I have made it a goal to be closer to my dad's side of the family... but I still feel very sensitive about the whole thing because it's so new to me. I am still meeting half of my cousins and we're not going to be close over night, so it's just really hard.

And ever since this has happened, I've been stuck in this rut. I keep thinking that I'm all alone in the world and that I have no friends, I'm mean to the people that are "too happy" because I bitter and jealous, plus I resent them because they get to have two parents, and most of them have two parents who are in love and are good examples for them and one thing keeps replaying in my head - IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! And I just can't snap out of it!

And the truth of it is that it's not fair. And I know that. I also know that life was never meant to be fair. We were all meant to have different challenges in our lives and different trials. That's what this mortal existence is for - to face the trials the Lord gives us so that we can learn to be the people that He needs us to be.

I know that logically, but it's really hard to believe it lately. Just like I believe in Christ and I know that His Atonement was to help everyone, but it's hard for me to believe that it can help me right now. But I think that as soon as I can figure out how to apply the Atonement to this part of my life, I will be able to begin to snap out of it and be on the road to happiness again,,

The Lord Loves ME.

So to say I'm excited to get married is a huge understatement. I am so looking forward to being sealed to my eternal companion that I obsess about it sometimes (most of the time). But I went to the temple the other day and realized something wonderful!

The Lord loves ME. 

Even though I'm not married yet, even though I haven't been sealed to anyone, even if I feel like no one else loves me, even if I don't love myself - the Lord loves me. He loves me equal to and apart from everyone else. He is always rooting for me and always ready and willing to help me when I need it.

He loves me when I'm succeeding and even when I make mistakes. He loves me when I'm struggling and when I'm serving. He has so much unconditional love for me, and like President Monson said - "That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

Turning the Mess into a Message

"I'm a mess" is a constant part of my vocabulary. I mean it, too! I usually am a mess in one way or another. Sometimes its my feelings because I'm overreacting about a boy. Sometimes its my schedule because I find it physically impossible to say no to things and give away my time too easily. Most of the time its my hair or my clothes. But I'm just a mess, and I've accepted it.

Then I met Josie. And by "met" her I mean I heard her story and went to a fireside that she and her husband spoke at. I went with my roommate Kelsey and Aerika from my mission - we drove down to Layton on a Sunday just to hear what she had to say. And I just love her! Brighton and Josie have such incredibly inspiring views on the world and the gospel and I hope one day to have half the faith that they seem to have. Josie has a terribly difficult time feeling joy, but she has made it her goal in life to bring joy to others. She said that you don't have to be healed to help and she is turning her mess into a message.

So I've started pondering on how I can do the same. How I can turn my mess into a message? I think one way I can do this is by being an example to those around me. Yes, it's true that a lot of the people that I spend my time with have no idea what it's like to go throughout my day or deal with the things that I'm faced with. But if I'm always happy that's what they'll see. I won't have to explain why my day was so hard or why I'm so tired or what is making me stressed - because all they'll see is the smile and all they'll wonder is why I'm so happy. And that is because of the gospel. I can be happy because of the knowledge that I have that this isn't all there is. That my stressful day is a minute part of my eternal existence. That this hard time will pass and if I endure it well, I can be blessed. That my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed and will help me.

So yeah, sometimes I'm a mess. We are all a mess at some point. But my message is that it's not always going to be a mess. That smile won't always have to be fake. And sharing the message of happiness and the gospel is much more important than anything else my mess of a mind is trying to tell me.

The Drive to be Better

I was so touched that I was almost in tears at work today. But it's my second week and it's work so I didn't cry.. but I wanted to! And let me tell you why.

I work at The Family Place and their mission is to strengthen and empower families through many means, one of them being parenting classes. Today was the first parenting class since I've started working there. They left the door open and I was able to hear just the first part of it where the instructor went over what the course was and introduced herself and I started thinking...

These parents didn't have to come tonight. They're spending their time and their money, just because they want to be better parents. And that is so wonderful! They want so badly to be better for their kids, and I just love that.

The Family Place

It's a big deal guys! On September 6, 2016 I started my first "real" job! I've had lots of other jobs - Preschools, call centers, pizza places, Taco Time, summer camp, you know. But I've never really had the opportunity to be in a professional setting and get experience in my field. Everything they do at The Family Place is something I'm passionate about. I love their mission and the atmosphere and just everything about it! 

(you can find out more at thefamilyplace.org)

Right now I'm just the front desk receptionist so it's not like I'm a big deal or anything, but I love just being around the therapists and people who have the same passion and drive to help people as I do! I am so looking forward to see what my future holds there!

Goodbye Camp Roger

I'm back from camp! 

Wow that was fast. At times it seemed like I had been living at camp forever and then one day I turned around and it was over. So crazy how that all happened. Camp was one giant "you had to be there" story, but I'm going to try my very best to help you understand my summer.

It was definitely not easy. There were times when I just needed to get away from all the crazy loud singing and yelling, there were times when I didn't know how to get my cabin to listen to me, times when I was pretty positive I was the worst counselor and felt bad for my girls that were stuck with me, times when I was so exhausted I didn't think that I could make it through another day (let alone another week) and times when I just wanted to give up, get in my car and leave.

But I didn't and I'm so glad that I didn't! It was one of the hardest, most rewarding experiences of my life.

I learned to do things that I had never done before - I learned how to build a fire, how to cook a meal on that fire, I learned how to do archery, how to make a friendship bracelet, how to help a kid that was homesick, moose safety tips, overcame my fear of the high dive, went on the longest trail ride of my life, mucked tons of horse poop, sang loads of songs, slept under the stars for the first time, got savvy on British slang, built some lifelong friendships, said "hype" more than I ever have, lived without technology, I learned more about my self and the world around me. I learned some really valuable things that I am so so grateful for.

'The Camp Song'
by Peter Katz

How can I explain
What I take away
When the autumn falls
And we go our separate ways

What is it exactly
How can I describe
All that I discovered
By that fireside

Some things aren’t defined
Some things they’re just right

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear

Lying in that field
Sleeping with the sky
Something bound between us
Without us knowing why

From that moment on
Nothing could undo
The feeling of belonging
That would always be true

Some things don’t need words
Some things they just work

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear
And maybe it’s not much
But it’s I'll be back next year

Camp Roger

So in less than 24 hours I'll officially be a YMCA camp counselor and I'M SO EXCITED!!! And maybe a little nervous...

I sure hope the kids like me and that I'm fun and outgoing enough to have a good time. I also hope that I don't have too much of a withdraw from my electronics, especially my phone. I've become very fond of communicating with family and friends whenever I want this past year.. It might be hard to go back to letter writing, but hopefully I'll survive!

It'll be quite the adventure and I'm sure I'll learn a whole lot in the next two and a half months!

Walk Into Love With Him

Because falling can break your limbs, and the impact will never leave you the same again.

I've said the words "I love you" to two boys my whole life (in a romantic way). The first was because I was young and dumb, I didn't know what love was and he accepted me for me. Later I found out that it wasn't love, just a very unique friendship. The second was to a boy that I really did love. We talked about getting married and building a life together, but the timing just wasn't right. 

After that my heart was so broken that I didn't want to (and sometimes thought I couldn't) love anyone else. 

So four years went by. I dated boys I shouldn't have, I rejected really great guys for no apparent reason, except for the fact that it just didn't feel right.

Then a boy came along and made me forget why I was afraid of commitment. He made me wonder why my heart had been so guarded. And after years of running, I found myself letting this boy walk right into my heart and making himself at home.

So last night I said "I love you" to the third boy in my entire life. He said it me a few weeks ago and had been so understanding when I explained how much those three little words meant to me and why I wasn't ready to say them yet. So luckily he knows I mean it and he knows that it means a whole lot to me. 

And.. well, I really do love him. Not the kind of fleeting, lusting, fragile, conditional love that is found so often in this world. I love him in the middle of the afternoon when I'm running around and busy, I love him at the end of a long day when everything is irritating, I love him when he's vulnerable and making mistakes, I love him when he's being silly and embarrassing. I want to be in his life, at his best and his worst.

My love for him is a decision and a promise and it only grows stronger with each passing day.  

One Year Home!

The fact that I've been home from my mission for a year now just floors me. I seriously cannot believe it's been so long.

I spent the day going to school, working, doing laundry and hanging out with my boyfriend.

My, how things can change in a year.

Relief Society Reflection

Okay kids, you see, I'm not the type that loves Relief Society meetings on Sunday. Since I've been home from my mission I rarely participate and definitely don't look forward to that last hour on Sundays. 

Girls are not my favorite creatures on the planet, they are dramatic and sensitive and I just don't get along well with them. However, there are the select few that I just LOVE. And the one that taught the lesson today is one of them. I completely understand her, she's so down to earth and relate-able and funny. She's just great. 

Today she taught on faith. She started the lesson by asking us three questions:

1. A time you knew that you knew God was mindful of you. 

When I got home from my mission I really struggled finding a place to live. I had bought a contract for this place called Austin Ridge Apartments but when I saw the outside of them I was horrified! They probably aren't that bad but I really didn't want to live there. So I said some prayers and talked to my family and tried to not panic too hard. The very next day after seeing them, Anneli got married. As we were at the wedding, Kayla Westover told me she was planning on getting married and needed to sell her contract to Bridgerland Apartments (which is where I wanted to live in the first place) So I took a leap of faith and bought her contract, and luckily I was able to sell the contract I had to Austin Ridge! And it's been wonderful living in Bridgerland. There are no coincidences, only tender mercies and miracles.

2. Someone who has blessed your life this year.
Katie Gudestrup. Easy. I know for a fact that one of the main reasons I lived in Bridgerland this year was so that I could have the opportunity to meet her and live with her. She has richly blessed my life, in so many ways. She has helped me learn how to love myself and see how great I really am. She helped me learn to accept myself and my imperfections and she helped me realize that I don't need someone else (especially a boy) to love me in order to love myself. She really has saved me in so many ways this semester. There are definitely angels among us.

3. What is sitting in your heart?
Something that has been in my heart lately is the compulsion to be more loving to others around me. I want to have more charity and more compassionate for those who I interact with. I want to be less judgmental, more accepting, and help everyone more than I have been. To see others as the Lord sees them.

Moral of the story - I am so grateful for the Relief Society lesson today, and even more grateful that the Spirit came into my heart and helped me listen, reflect and learn from what was said. One of my prayers today was to hear the messages that the Lord wanted me to hear, and considering what I got out of the lesson wasn't necessarily the topic, I am so grateful for the inspiration the Lord is willing to give us.

Nathan James

So I have this thing, where I will be interested in a boy, I'll flirt with him, try to get him to ask me out (sometimes he will) then as soon as he actually starts to like me or even think about any sort of commitment, I freak out, decide I don't like him at all and completely push him out of my life.

Then I met Nathan James.

I had gotten to know him a little bit at the beginning of fall semester when we started working together, I developed a bit of a crush on him, but then I found out he had a girlfriend. So there went that! I of course continued to be his friend and get to know him more. Fast forward many months. I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and I could tell he was pretty upset about it. I felt really bad for him, so I just kept being the best friend I knew how to be. 

Then I started having feelings for him again. In my eyes, he is just so good. Genuinely good. The good that makes you feel comfortable and know that he won't ever intentionally do anything to hurt you, or anyone for that matter. The kind of good you want to surround yourself with because you know it will help you be good.

And I don't usually get the "good" ones.

Nevertheless, I did my usual flirting, trying-to-get-him-to-ask-me-out thing. And when weeks went by and nothing happened, I was a bit discouraged, but not willing to give up my friendship with him. 

Then one day he did ask me on a date! And then I asked him on one. Then he asked me. And within a few weeks I lost count. All I knew was that I really liked him and I liked spending time with him.

Which brings us to this weekend.

He invited me to watch Star Wars with him (I have never seen it and never had a desire to see it) but it was an excuse to be with him so I accepted. We talked for awhile and, knowing that I wasn't the biggest fan of Star Wars, he asked me a question. "Out of everything you could've been doing with your Friday night, why did you choose to spend it watching Star Wars with me?" So I was honest and told him that it was because I like him and I like spending time with him.

So we decided to see each other the very next day.

He came over after I got off work and we watched a chick flick (he repayment for me watching Star Wars) and we went to the store with my roommates. That's where he asked me if I'd go on a walk with him later that night. I accepted of course. On our walk he asked me lots of questions. About what I wanted, what I thought about things, we talked about his family and me meeting them, 

He also told me that he would like to be my boyfriend. 

And I didn't freak out!

I'm going to Idaho with him this week, his sister Nichole is getting home from her mission and he wants me to come with him. He wants to introduce me to his family but seeing as how it's a pretty big family day, I'm going to wait to meet them. But I do get to spend 9 hours in the car with him! So that'll be a fun drive.

The moral of the story is that I feel really good about this. Neither one of us are ready for marriage right now, so don't get all worked up. But I like him a lot. And he likes me enough to give this relationship a shot, which is enough for me! And the best part of this is that we're in it because we care enough about each other to want to help one another and help each other be happy. If that's not a good starting point, I don't know what is.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple weeks, and I don't know what's going to happen when we have to spend the summer apart, but I do know that I feel oddly calm about it all.

I'm not freaking out!

And I like that a whole lot.

The Dating Scene

Dating is a common topic in my life. 

I'm a 23 year old returned missionary living in Logan, Utah. My bishop talks about dating all the time, my roommates talk about dating all the time. My visiting teachers and home teachers constantly ask me about dating. My family wants to know all the ins and outs of my dating escapades. I was even on a dating panel in my ward the other week, giving advice and answering common questions and concerns about dating. And I am constantly surrounded by engagements, wedding announcements, break-ups, new babies, and all that comes with the falling in and out of love.

So where does that leave me?

Well, a year ago, I was a full-time missionary preparing to come home. In my mind, I'd move back to Logan, start up school again, and dating would just... happen. And I figured it wouldn't happen right away but I thought that, pretty soon, it would "work out" and I would get married. Now, I haven't completely given up that thought, and I'm still holding fast to the faith that it will, one day, "work out". But it has proven to be a lot harder than expected.

You see, I'm imperfect (crazy, I know) and I'm surrounded by imperfect boys who, in most cases, are just as scared about this whole dating thing as I am. And it seems that the boy I want to ask me out always has his eyes set on another girl. But the boys I'm not interested in, are chomping at the bit ready to ask me out and are already thinking of marriage plans. It's quite the predicament. 

Up until last week, I had only been asked on a date by one boy that I actually really liked! (two days later he took out another girl who he is marrying in a couple weeks.) And that's pretty much how it's gone.

Dating is hard. Everyone is pining after or interested in someone, and usually that person is going after someone else. We put in so much effort only to get rejected or get our hearts broken. We spend money, time, and effort on people who usually don't appreciate and hardly ever will reciprocate it. 

So why do we do it?

We do it for the one. The one person it's finally going to work out with. The one person that will completely shock us with the invitation to join them at an activity. The one person who will be just as nervous and scared as we are because, for once, we mean as much to them as they do to us. That one person that we'll feel so wonderfully comfortable with, yet who will push us to be and do better. We do it for that one person. 

So in the meantime, we put up with the confusion, with the rejection, with the agitation and the pain. We do that now so that when we meet the one we will recognize and appreciate the joy and the comfort and pure bliss that we feel with them.

And once I have luck with that one, my one, dating won't be consuming my life, which will just be a cherry on top.

Tender Mercies and Miracles

There are a number of reasons why I don't believe in coincidences. 

This weekend is one of them. 

I went back to california to visit my mission (again), but this time for one specific reason. One of my recent converts, Arely Cuevas, was going to recieve her endowments. I wanted to be there by her side and support her in making additional convenants with the Lord. I remember when I was endowed and how incredible it felt to have two of my missionaries there. One of them, Elder Lynn, had just returned home from his mission and took the fourteen hour drive from Canada to be there with me. I wanted to be that support for Arely. So, with about five days' notice, I threw together a plan to get down to California. 

Little did I know that there were more reasons why I needed to be there.

I arrived in California early Saturday morning, about 7:30am. I stopped by to see one of my recent converts, Martina Mora. We chatted for a bit and she took me to the church building in San Bernardino, where Fletcher Riches and I decided to meet. We had planned on going to Rialto to visit Karina and her husband and then take some of the elders out to lunch. We were running late and couldn't meet with Karina but it was so great to be back in that area and see some familiar sights and spend some time with the elders.

After a little time in Rialto I tagged along with Fletcher as he and one of his recent converts ran some errands. I found out that Fletcher was going to a baptism that day in Fontana and he told me that the person being baptized was Fernando Estrada. I taught him my very first transfer! I remember how, after every lesson with him, my companion and I would get in the car and talk about how he was going to be a stake president one day. I thought he had disappeared and stopped meeting with the missionaries, so hearing that he was going to be baptized was such happy news to me!

Fletcher and Maggie dropped me off at the Peterson's house so that I could go with them to the endowment session for Arely. We get to the temple, change, and I'm sitting in the endowment room. As I'm looking around, I notice a lot of members from other areas I served in and it just made me so happy! At first I thought it was strange that so many people that I knew were in this one endowment session, then I realized that there are limited Spanish endowment sessions in the Redlands temple. 

Before long I realized why they were all there. 

After Arely came into the endowment room, Hermana Aguilar from Rialto came in with her mom, who is 98 years old. She was receiving her own endowment! I just happened to be sitting next to Hermana Gonzales from Fontana (who is her daughter) and when she came in, Hermana Gonzales started to cry. It was such a cool experience. Then I see Hermana and Hermano Paredes from Redlands come into the endowment room. They were both recieving their endowments as well! so I got to be there as four wonderful people that I knew and worked with, made covenants with the Lord and progressed in their eternal salvation.

As we were in the Celestial Room of the temple, I remember looking around and seeing such familiar faces and being so so happy. Then one of the temple workers came up to me and asked "Are you here for the sealing?" I asked him what sealing he was talking about. He told me that the couple that had just been endowed (the Paredes) were now going to be sealed as a family. He invited us to go into the sealing room if we'd like to witness it. So we made our way to the sealing room! As I was sitting there, watching this faithful family be sealed for time and all eternity, I was reminded that the Lord is mindful of each and every one of us, always. I am so grateful for the ability I had to be there and to witness that family become eternal. 

Later we went to dinner at Sizzler and I went with Arely and Gustavo back to their house to spend the night. I also got to see Jose and talk to him for a little bit. He's changed a lot since we were teaching him and I could see how a lack of the gospel has affected him and his life.

The next day was Sunday and I had the blessing to be able to attend Rialto 4th and Fontana. Fletcher offered to come pick me up in Highland but I had already asked the Larios family to give me a ride. I am so grateful to have so many people willing to do me such big favors! So after the sacrament in Rialto, Fletcher and I headed to Fontana. I didn't think anyone would remember me because I served there over two and a half years ago! But my heart was so happy to see familiar faces and see how excited they were that I was there. California and the people there really have stolen my heart. I even got to exchange phone numbers with a few people in the Sierra ward because they wanted me to let them know the next time I visit California. However, one of the best parts of going to church in Fontana was being able to see Fernando Estrada be confirmed a member of the Church and receive the Holy Ghost. The blessings of my mission just keep coming! I've been home for over a year, I never thought I'd see an investigator from my first area get baptized. I am so happy for him and his family, and so grateful for the "payday" I had as President Van Cott would put it.

I know that I was supposed to go to California this weekend. I went for the purpose of seeing one convert be endowed and ended up seeing four people be endowed, a sealing and a confirmation. It brought me so much happiness to be able to be there to witness and support such amazing progression in the gospel for people I care so much about.
I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves us so much that He makes it possible for us to experience such happiness. He cares about the smallest things in our lives and will always bless us as we're trying our best and following His commandments.

There are no coincidences, only tender mercies and miracles.

Black Ice

Something that has been on my mind lately is black ice. Maybe it's because I've slipped one too many times this winter, maybe because it's the bane of my existence, who can say? 

But the other day I was walking along and I saw a patch of it a few feet ahead of me. At first I thought, "It's okay, I'll keep walking and when I get closer to it, I'll just avoid it. Simple." Then my second thought was "Stephanie, that's a rookie mistake and you know it. It's black ice. You won't see it when you get closer." So I changed my direction right then, and you know what? My feet were steady. Not one millimeter did they slip! 

So I got to thinking about this - sin is just like black ice. The adversary will drop a little temptation in our path. Maybe we see it and think, "I'll be able to avoid it when it comes, I'll just keep doing my thing." But just like black ice, the closer we get, the more invisible it is. Then before we know it, we're right there, in the thick of it, loosing our footing second by second and we usually fall. 

Why is this important to recognize? Because if we realize that sin is just as dangerous (actually significantly more dangerous), we will understand how important it is to change our direction as soon as we sense any temptation or possibility of falling. And if there's one thing I've learned living in a place that gets colder than Anchorage, Alaska..

Where there's snow, there's ice.

Six Months Home

Alright kids, it's been six months since I returned from my mission in California and I thought I should document a few things about coming home!

First, let me document a little bit about the end of my mission. When I left in October 2013, I'll be honest, I never thought the day would come when I'd be walking off that plane having completed a full-time mission. Don't get me wrong, I knew I would never choose to come home early, but the thought of actually completing the journey I was beginning was not fathomable to me! My last week in California was an emotional one. Long story short - I was excited to see my family and get on with real life but... I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE!!! I absolutely loved every part of being a missionary. I loved the people that I met and the ability I had to teach the gospel to those that really needed it. I loved seeing people change. I loved being able to lose myself in the work of the Lord. For 18 months, I wasn't "Stephanie". I was a servant of the Lord. I was a representative of Jesus Christ. I loved that! And I miss it more than words can say. So that last week was emotional. Thinking about taking my nametag off could make me cry on the spot. (I still can't look at it without wishing I could still wear it everyday)

I knew that coming home would pose a lot of change and I would have to adjust, as every returned missionary has to. I would need to finish school and get a job and be "normal" again (whatever that means). And that was stressful! Big changes give me anxiety. And this was going to be a huge change.

That last week I got to say my goodbyes, have a temple trip with President and Sister Van Cott and have a departing devotional and invite everyone from all my areas to join me at that. All of which I've talked a little about in my last email home.

But there was even more that happened those last two days that I didn't get to email about. So let me tell you...

That Monday, after we had done all our normal preparation day things such as shopping and emailing, I loaded up my two suitcases and a carry-on into the car and we headed to President's house! That night my companion, Hermana Ipson, worked with another sister missionary in the area and I, along with all the other departing missionaries, spent the evening with President and Sister Van Cott. That night, President pulled me aside because I had asked for a Father's blessing before going home since that's not something I get to have very often... like at all. We had dinner and ice cream, played games and had a nice little family home evening in which President taught the lesson. After that, the kids wanted to hear our crazy stories from the mission, all the crazy and funny experiences we had. So we all told one or two (I shared about the car situation and the dips with Lauaki). Some of the elders shared 4 or 5 but they were all pretty entertaining so no one minded. Then we went and stayed with the same lady we stayed with when we came in! Sister Larsen. She's so sweet. And it was really cool to spend my last night in the same house where I spent my first night.

The next morning we got up, went back to President's house and had breakfast before heading to the airport. Elder Moore drove the van full of us sisters and it was such a weird feeling! Oh, side-note, on the way to the airport I saw the first ever Panda Express, actually named Panda Inn. Then we got to the airport, checked in, and said goodbye to President and Sister Van Cott.

We got on the plane and I sat next to Elder Robles. For six hours. It was actually a really good experience because we got to talk like normal people about real life. It was on that plane ride that we really became friends and I knew that he'd be there for me through anything.

I'll never forget when we started to land in Phoenix. We could see the landmarks we'd missed for 18-24 months. It all started to hit us that our mission were ending. The pilot put the wheels down and Elder Robles looked at me and his chin was quivering and he said "We did it, Granado. It's over." 

And my life has never been the same.