The Head vs. The Heart

February 8th - Matched and started talking on OkCupid
February 13th - Started texting
February 15th - First phone date, it lasted exactly 5 hours and 20 minutes
February 22nd - First date, went to the USU v. Weber State hockey game (we lost)
February 22nd - We held hands and kissed for the first time
March 11th - We (seriously) talked about getting married for the first time
March 13th - He told me he loved me for the first time

I've truly never felt this way about someone before. Shortly after we started talking (and I mean SHORTLY) I felt like he was the one. It's not like it was love at first sight and I wasn't head over heels for the guy, but I had this sense of familiarity. Kind of like it just clicked. Like "oh yeah, it's you. You're the one." That feeling came on February 14th. About a week after we had started talking. Crazy, right?

Now here's the problem. There aren't actions to match the feelings or words. Although he tells me he loves me, that he wants to marry me, that I'm the one for him, that we need to plan when we're getting married and where we're living and what he's doing with his house, etc, etc. He hasn't taken the time to take me on a second date! It's been over a month since our first date, over a month since I've seen him and kissed him. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he hasn't been able to carve out an hour of his time to spend with me in the last month.

I've offered to drive down to Layton, I've told him we don't have to do anything besides sit on the couch and just be together. I've asked so many times to let me see him (sometimes it's felt like begging) and I don't think he knows how incredibly unwanted and unimportant and stupid and desperate it makes me feel. At least I hope he doesn't know, because if he knew and still did this, that would make him so incredibly cruel. I just don't understand.

Part of me wants to simply give up. I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who takes the time to see me. Someone who wants to be with me. Someone who can't go a month without holding my hand or kissing me.
Honestly, if it were anyone else, I probably would have given up. A while ago. But there's something about this one. Something that is stopping me from walking away.

The funny thing is... I'm in love with him. I do want to marry him. I want to spend my life with him. Have kids with him. Sleep next to him. Walk dogs with him. Kiss him everyday. I want all of that. And I'd tell him that, but not over the phone. And to be 100% honest, I'm not sure how much longer I can handle a relationship over the phone.

Future Kiddos

Hey kids! I’m going to try really hard not to sound like Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” but I promise nothing. 

It’s really cool to think that in a few years, you might be a reality instead of just a dream. I want you to know how bad I want you and love you already. The past few weeks I can’t stop thinking about you! The only problem is I haven’t met your dad yet, or if I have, he’s not interested in me right now... awkward.

I’ve been nervous for awhile that I won’t be able to have kids. I’m not sure why I think this. Maybe it’s because I just want kids so badly...

But I recently heard of a fertility test called Modern Fertility. It’s an at-home blood test you can take and it tells you how many eggs you have left, how well they’re being released during ovulation, and it tests other hormone levels that could affect fertility. So I took that test this morning, and I’m praying for the best. I know there are always other options, but I’ll be devastated if I can’t have one of my own. I want nothing more than to meet and marry the love of my life, then make a little human that is the best parts of us both ❤️ 

Mom

My mom was easily the best person I knew. She gave me the world and would have given me more if she could have. This doesn't mean I was spoiled. At all. In any sense of the word. In fact, I remember being upset when my friends or cousins got more privileges and material things than I did. I failed to recognize, however, that my mom was giving me even more than their parents. Not only did I have all my needs (and many of my wants) met, but I was learning work ethic and patience.

My mom had to do a lot of really hard things that I didn't understand when I was little. She was a single mom, which in and of itself is a full time job. Plus she had a full time job! And she was single and didn't date, which I'm sure was really hard. I mean, it's hard for me not to be dating and I'm 24, so I can only imagine how lonely she must've felt a lot of the time. She also started living with my grandpa shortly after my grandma passed away. I'm sure she felt some sort of responsibility for him as well. 

As a little girl, she didn't learn a lot of good coping strategies. She was brought up as one of seven children in a home that struggled to get by. She also grew up in a time that mental health wasn't an issue that could be talked about without there being some type of stigma. A lot of my family says she was bipolar or depressed, I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that, just as I need therapy now, she probably could have benefited from it then.

Instead, she turned to alcohol. I don't tell people this part about my mom because I don't ever want anyone thinking badly of her. Ever. She doesn't deserve that. She was the best mom I could have ever imagined of having. But when she turned to alcohol, it changed the way she was, as it does with anyone. She was a worse driver and we ended up getting in 2 car accidents, one was just outside my elementary school and I was mortified. I was so angry with her that I wouldn't sit in the car with her while the police sorted everything out. Later I felt really bad for treating her that way. She also passed out a lot. It was always at night, so it wasn't a big deal. I actually don't remember it happening a lot, I just remember that sometimes I would try to wake her up but she wouldn't wake up to get into bed. I was talking to my cousin Elizabeth a while ago and she told me a story that I don't remember at all, but it seems 100% plausible. She said that she brought me home one night and my mom was passed out on the couch. We tried to wake her up but she wouldn't wake up. My cousin of course knew what the situation was. She wanted to stay with me and was so upset that my mom would put her young daughter in a situation like that. But I was calm, cool and collected. I got a blanket and covered her up on the couch and said "It's okay, Auntie Beth, I know what to do." Then I proceeded to get my jammies on, brush my teeth, and get into my bed. I tucked myself in, set the alarm, and my cousin realized that - sure enough, I knew exactly what to do. Which made her so sad for me. 

When I was about 10 or 11 I caught on to what was going on. I'd see her bottles of vodka or catch her drinking them and pretend I didn't see her. I remember one time I knew she was drinking in her room and I wanted to talk to her but I wanted to save her the embarrassment of me catching her. So I started at the end of the hallway, calling her name, then walked slowly down the hallway and said her name again before sticking my head in the doorway. When I finally reached her door was when I heard the vodka swish in the bottle and saw her hand move so that she was holding it behind the bed frame where I couldn't see it. As time went on, I started confronting her about it. We had multiple fights about it and I begged her to stop drinking because, even though I was young, I knew how bad it was for you. I remember one night she had passed out on the couch, so I went and found a bottle of her vodka and poured it down the drain. Then I put a post-it note on it that said "you promised" and I put it back in her hiding spot. After that, she really did stop. She started going to AA meetings and she was done drinking. But it was too late.

She developed cirrhosis of the live and passed away when I was 12. Seeing her sick was worse than seeing her drunk, except for the fact that I couldn't blame her for it. I kind of did though, because if she hadn't drank so much, she wouldn't have been sick.

Sometimes I still get mad at her for that, for leaving me without a mom. I know it was a sickness and I know she couldn't help it. But part of my thinks that she could have. I hate being mad at her but sometimes I can't help it.

I miss her more than words can say. There are a lot of days when things happen, good and bad, that I just really want my mom for. When bad things happen I want her to be there for me and to talk me through it and to give me advice and tell me that everything is going to be okay. And there are times when good things happen that I want her to be there and to celebrate with me and be proud of me and brag about me to her friends. Then there are days that I just need her. I need to feel that kind of hug that only a mom can give, and I want to lay on the couch with my head on her lap so she can play with my hair and ask me about my day. I want her to know what I'm studying and where I'm working and who I'm dating and I want to complain about my roommates to her. I want her to meet the man I'm going to marry and be there when my kids are born and roll my eyes at how much she spoils that and tell me all kinds of stories of what I have to look forward to when I'm old. 

But I won't ever get any of that, and I'm not quite sure how to handle that.

The Struggle

So I've been struggling lately with being positive. It has just been really hard for me and I can't really put my finger on the reason. This entire year, especially following my dad's death in October, it has been so hard for me to socialize. I think this is because, when my dad died I had a really hard time with it and I really struggled with talking to people about it. I didn't know why I was feeling the way I was feeling and I couldn't really make them understand. I knew most people had no idea what to say so I just decided to spare them the details and not talk about it. Well, considering that was pretty much the only thing on my mind for a while there, I just didn't talk as much, because I had nothing else to talk about.

But the world didn't stop for me and my grief. So I lost all the friends that I did have - except for Kelsey, my roommate. She stuck with me through all the crying and confusion and helped to comfort and distract me. But everyone else stopped talking to me because I was not as fun or as nice to talk to.

Now I'm extra depressed because I don't have any friends, so I get upset and stay in my room.. which doesn't make me any more friends. It's a vicious cycle that I just can't win.

I even had a big fight with Kelsey about it, which completely broke my heart. She is the one friend I have so I really can't afford to lose her! So I'm going to therapy starting next week, or at least trying to! I have a consultation set up on Feb 28th, hopefully it goes well and I can keep going to get some help working through my problems. Life struggles are always easier when someone else helps you..

The 26th of November

Yesterday I went to my best friend's wedding. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am so incredibly happy for her, and that she was sealed to the man she loves for eternity. But at the same time, I couldn't help but have the selfish feelings of sadness as I realized that my best friend is married now. And things will forever be different. I hope that I'll still get to keep in contact with her, but we all know that things change significantly once one friend is married and the other is still [painfully] single.

I couldn't stay for the entire day of festivities and celebrations, which I feel somewhat bad for. But I could only do what I was emotionally able to handle. And that's what I did.

I do have to say, seeing her be sealed was one of the greatest things. She looked so incredibly beautiful and so happy! Steve is perfect for her. After the sealing, when we got to go give them hugs, I hugged Steve first and he said that I better hang out with them, which made me feel pretty good. Then he said that even if they have to drive up here, we'd see each other. Then I gave Katie a hug and said "I love you so much" and she said she loved me too and we had a nice long tight hug. She even put her hand on the back of my head like she did to her sister Kim, and it made me feel so good! I love that girl like a sister and I'd do anything to stay in her life. Even if it means I'm a permanent 3rd wheel.

Believing Him

The past few weeks have been... a challenge to say the least. 

My dad passed away on October 14th. He suffered a heart attack while getting ready for work. At first I think I was in a bit of shock. I hadn't talked to him in months and I couldn't believe how he could be gone just like that. The night I found out I was pretty sad - and my home teacher and bishop came over which was really nice of them. I felt like I needed to go home for the funeral but had no way to pay for it, so my bishop generously offered to pay for my plane ticket home. He told me that he has lots of frequent flyer miles and he could use those for me. 

So I flew home for two days to attend the funeral. It was a needed experience, I think. Although I haven't seen that side of my family in some time (most of my life) the majority of them knew exactly who I was. It was a little reassuring to have them see me and recognize me and hug me. It was really emotional seeing my dad - it was an open casket funeral. Seeing him made it all so real to me and it was almost like finding out all over again that he was gone. 

I got to look at the pictures that were set up around his casket, I found out that he had gotten married a few years ago, then got divorced, but they had started seeing each other in the recent months. I'm not sure how I felt about that - I think I feel happy knowing that he had found love and had someone that cared about him in this last part of his life.

This whole experience has been so very emotional because of all of the regrets I have about not doing my part to have a relationship with him. I know that he wasn't a great dad and wasn't the best role model for me but I will never get that opportunity again, and that's hard. I also don't want those regrets with anyone else in my life. So I have made it a goal to be closer to my dad's side of the family... but I still feel very sensitive about the whole thing because it's so new to me. I am still meeting half of my cousins and we're not going to be close over night, so it's just really hard.

And ever since this has happened, I've been stuck in this rut. I keep thinking that I'm all alone in the world and that I have no friends, I'm mean to the people that are "too happy" because I bitter and jealous, plus I resent them because they get to have two parents, and most of them have two parents who are in love and are good examples for them and one thing keeps replaying in my head - IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! And I just can't snap out of it!

And the truth of it is that it's not fair. And I know that. I also know that life was never meant to be fair. We were all meant to have different challenges in our lives and different trials. That's what this mortal existence is for - to face the trials the Lord gives us so that we can learn to be the people that He needs us to be.

I know that logically, but it's really hard to believe it lately. Just like I believe in Christ and I know that His Atonement was to help everyone, but it's hard for me to believe that it can help me right now. But I think that as soon as I can figure out how to apply the Atonement to this part of my life, I will be able to begin to snap out of it and be on the road to happiness again,,

The Lord Loves ME.

So to say I'm excited to get married is a huge understatement. I am so looking forward to being sealed to my eternal companion that I obsess about it sometimes (most of the time). But I went to the temple the other day and realized something wonderful!

The Lord loves ME. 

Even though I'm not married yet, even though I haven't been sealed to anyone, even if I feel like no one else loves me, even if I don't love myself - the Lord loves me. He loves me equal to and apart from everyone else. He is always rooting for me and always ready and willing to help me when I need it.

He loves me when I'm succeeding and even when I make mistakes. He loves me when I'm struggling and when I'm serving. He has so much unconditional love for me, and like President Monson said - "That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."