Believing Him

The past few weeks have been... a challenge to say the least. 

My dad passed away on October 14th. He suffered a heart attack while getting ready for work. At first I think I was in a bit of shock. I hadn't talked to him in months and I couldn't believe how he could be gone just like that. The night I found out I was pretty sad - and my home teacher and bishop came over which was really nice of them. I felt like I needed to go home for the funeral but had no way to pay for it, so my bishop generously offered to pay for my plane ticket home. He told me that he has lots of frequent flyer miles and he could use those for me. 

So I flew home for two days to attend the funeral. It was a needed experience, I think. Although I haven't seen that side of my family in some time (most of my life) the majority of them knew exactly who I was. It was a little reassuring to have them see me and recognize me and hug me. It was really emotional seeing my dad - it was an open casket funeral. Seeing him made it all so real to me and it was almost like finding out all over again that he was gone. 

I got to look at the pictures that were set up around his casket, I found out that he had gotten married a few years ago, then got divorced, but they had started seeing each other in the recent months. I'm not sure how I felt about that - I think I feel happy knowing that he had found love and had someone that cared about him in this last part of his life.

This whole experience has been so very emotional because of all of the regrets I have about not doing my part to have a relationship with him. I know that he wasn't a great dad and wasn't the best role model for me but I will never get that opportunity again, and that's hard. I also don't want those regrets with anyone else in my life. So I have made it a goal to be closer to my dad's side of the family... but I still feel very sensitive about the whole thing because it's so new to me. I am still meeting half of my cousins and we're not going to be close over night, so it's just really hard.

And ever since this has happened, I've been stuck in this rut. I keep thinking that I'm all alone in the world and that I have no friends, I'm mean to the people that are "too happy" because I bitter and jealous, plus I resent them because they get to have two parents, and most of them have two parents who are in love and are good examples for them and one thing keeps replaying in my head - IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! And I just can't snap out of it!

And the truth of it is that it's not fair. And I know that. I also know that life was never meant to be fair. We were all meant to have different challenges in our lives and different trials. That's what this mortal existence is for - to face the trials the Lord gives us so that we can learn to be the people that He needs us to be.

I know that logically, but it's really hard to believe it lately. Just like I believe in Christ and I know that His Atonement was to help everyone, but it's hard for me to believe that it can help me right now. But I think that as soon as I can figure out how to apply the Atonement to this part of my life, I will be able to begin to snap out of it and be on the road to happiness again,,