The 26th of November

Yesterday I went to my best friend's wedding. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am so incredibly happy for her, and that she was sealed to the man she loves for eternity. But at the same time, I couldn't help but have the selfish feelings of sadness as I realized that my best friend is married now. And things will forever be different. I hope that I'll still get to keep in contact with her, but we all know that things change significantly once one friend is married and the other is still [painfully] single.

I couldn't stay for the entire day of festivities and celebrations, which I feel somewhat bad for. But I could only do what I was emotionally able to handle. And that's what I did.

I do have to say, seeing her be sealed was one of the greatest things. She looked so incredibly beautiful and so happy! Steve is perfect for her. After the sealing, when we got to go give them hugs, I hugged Steve first and he said that I better hang out with them, which made me feel pretty good. Then he said that even if they have to drive up here, we'd see each other. Then I gave Katie a hug and said "I love you so much" and she said she loved me too and we had a nice long tight hug. She even put her hand on the back of my head like she did to her sister Kim, and it made me feel so good! I love that girl like a sister and I'd do anything to stay in her life. Even if it means I'm a permanent 3rd wheel.

Believing Him

The past few weeks have been... a challenge to say the least. 

My dad passed away on October 14th. He suffered a heart attack while getting ready for work. At first I think I was in a bit of shock. I hadn't talked to him in months and I couldn't believe how he could be gone just like that. The night I found out I was pretty sad - and my home teacher and bishop came over which was really nice of them. I felt like I needed to go home for the funeral but had no way to pay for it, so my bishop generously offered to pay for my plane ticket home. He told me that he has lots of frequent flyer miles and he could use those for me. 

So I flew home for two days to attend the funeral. It was a needed experience, I think. Although I haven't seen that side of my family in some time (most of my life) the majority of them knew exactly who I was. It was a little reassuring to have them see me and recognize me and hug me. It was really emotional seeing my dad - it was an open casket funeral. Seeing him made it all so real to me and it was almost like finding out all over again that he was gone. 

I got to look at the pictures that were set up around his casket, I found out that he had gotten married a few years ago, then got divorced, but they had started seeing each other in the recent months. I'm not sure how I felt about that - I think I feel happy knowing that he had found love and had someone that cared about him in this last part of his life.

This whole experience has been so very emotional because of all of the regrets I have about not doing my part to have a relationship with him. I know that he wasn't a great dad and wasn't the best role model for me but I will never get that opportunity again, and that's hard. I also don't want those regrets with anyone else in my life. So I have made it a goal to be closer to my dad's side of the family... but I still feel very sensitive about the whole thing because it's so new to me. I am still meeting half of my cousins and we're not going to be close over night, so it's just really hard.

And ever since this has happened, I've been stuck in this rut. I keep thinking that I'm all alone in the world and that I have no friends, I'm mean to the people that are "too happy" because I bitter and jealous, plus I resent them because they get to have two parents, and most of them have two parents who are in love and are good examples for them and one thing keeps replaying in my head - IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! And I just can't snap out of it!

And the truth of it is that it's not fair. And I know that. I also know that life was never meant to be fair. We were all meant to have different challenges in our lives and different trials. That's what this mortal existence is for - to face the trials the Lord gives us so that we can learn to be the people that He needs us to be.

I know that logically, but it's really hard to believe it lately. Just like I believe in Christ and I know that His Atonement was to help everyone, but it's hard for me to believe that it can help me right now. But I think that as soon as I can figure out how to apply the Atonement to this part of my life, I will be able to begin to snap out of it and be on the road to happiness again,,

The Lord Loves ME.

So to say I'm excited to get married is a huge understatement. I am so looking forward to being sealed to my eternal companion that I obsess about it sometimes (most of the time). But I went to the temple the other day and realized something wonderful!

The Lord loves ME. 

Even though I'm not married yet, even though I haven't been sealed to anyone, even if I feel like no one else loves me, even if I don't love myself - the Lord loves me. He loves me equal to and apart from everyone else. He is always rooting for me and always ready and willing to help me when I need it.

He loves me when I'm succeeding and even when I make mistakes. He loves me when I'm struggling and when I'm serving. He has so much unconditional love for me, and like President Monson said - "That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

Turning the Mess into a Message

"I'm a mess" is a constant part of my vocabulary. I mean it, too! I usually am a mess in one way or another. Sometimes its my feelings because I'm overreacting about a boy. Sometimes its my schedule because I find it physically impossible to say no to things and give away my time too easily. Most of the time its my hair or my clothes. But I'm just a mess, and I've accepted it.

Then I met Josie. And by "met" her I mean I heard her story and went to a fireside that she and her husband spoke at. I went with my roommate Kelsey and Aerika from my mission - we drove down to Layton on a Sunday just to hear what she had to say. And I just love her! Brighton and Josie have such incredibly inspiring views on the world and the gospel and I hope one day to have half the faith that they seem to have. Josie has a terribly difficult time feeling joy, but she has made it her goal in life to bring joy to others. She said that you don't have to be healed to help and she is turning her mess into a message.

So I've started pondering on how I can do the same. How I can turn my mess into a message? I think one way I can do this is by being an example to those around me. Yes, it's true that a lot of the people that I spend my time with have no idea what it's like to go throughout my day or deal with the things that I'm faced with. But if I'm always happy that's what they'll see. I won't have to explain why my day was so hard or why I'm so tired or what is making me stressed - because all they'll see is the smile and all they'll wonder is why I'm so happy. And that is because of the gospel. I can be happy because of the knowledge that I have that this isn't all there is. That my stressful day is a minute part of my eternal existence. That this hard time will pass and if I endure it well, I can be blessed. That my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed and will help me.

So yeah, sometimes I'm a mess. We are all a mess at some point. But my message is that it's not always going to be a mess. That smile won't always have to be fake. And sharing the message of happiness and the gospel is much more important than anything else my mess of a mind is trying to tell me.

The Drive to be Better

I was so touched that I was almost in tears at work today. But it's my second week and it's work so I didn't cry.. but I wanted to! And let me tell you why.

I work at The Family Place and their mission is to strengthen and empower families through many means, one of them being parenting classes. Today was the first parenting class since I've started working there. They left the door open and I was able to hear just the first part of it where the instructor went over what the course was and introduced herself and I started thinking...

These parents didn't have to come tonight. They're spending their time and their money, just because they want to be better parents. And that is so wonderful! They want so badly to be better for their kids, and I just love that.

The Family Place

It's a big deal guys! On September 6, 2016 I started my first "real" job! I've had lots of other jobs - Preschools, call centers, pizza places, Taco Time, summer camp, you know. But I've never really had the opportunity to be in a professional setting and get experience in my field. Everything they do at The Family Place is something I'm passionate about. I love their mission and the atmosphere and just everything about it! 

(you can find out more at thefamilyplace.org)

Right now I'm just the front desk receptionist so it's not like I'm a big deal or anything, but I love just being around the therapists and people who have the same passion and drive to help people as I do! I am so looking forward to see what my future holds there!

Goodbye Camp Roger

I'm back from camp! 

Wow that was fast. At times it seemed like I had been living at camp forever and then one day I turned around and it was over. So crazy how that all happened. Camp was one giant "you had to be there" story, but I'm going to try my very best to help you understand my summer.

It was definitely not easy. There were times when I just needed to get away from all the crazy loud singing and yelling, there were times when I didn't know how to get my cabin to listen to me, times when I was pretty positive I was the worst counselor and felt bad for my girls that were stuck with me, times when I was so exhausted I didn't think that I could make it through another day (let alone another week) and times when I just wanted to give up, get in my car and leave.

But I didn't and I'm so glad that I didn't! It was one of the hardest, most rewarding experiences of my life.

I learned to do things that I had never done before - I learned how to build a fire, how to cook a meal on that fire, I learned how to do archery, how to make a friendship bracelet, how to help a kid that was homesick, moose safety tips, overcame my fear of the high dive, went on the longest trail ride of my life, mucked tons of horse poop, sang loads of songs, slept under the stars for the first time, got savvy on British slang, built some lifelong friendships, said "hype" more than I ever have, lived without technology, I learned more about my self and the world around me. I learned some really valuable things that I am so so grateful for.

'The Camp Song'
by Peter Katz

How can I explain
What I take away
When the autumn falls
And we go our separate ways

What is it exactly
How can I describe
All that I discovered
By that fireside

Some things aren’t defined
Some things they’re just right

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear

Lying in that field
Sleeping with the sky
Something bound between us
Without us knowing why

From that moment on
Nothing could undo
The feeling of belonging
That would always be true

Some things don’t need words
Some things they just work

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear
And maybe it’s not much
But it’s I'll be back next year