Goodbye Camp Roger

I'm back from camp! 

Wow that was fast. At times it seemed like I had been living at camp forever and then one day I turned around and it was over. So crazy how that all happened. Camp was one giant "you had to be there" story, but I'm going to try my very best to help you understand my summer.

It was definitely not easy. There were times when I just needed to get away from all the crazy loud singing and yelling, there were times when I didn't know how to get my cabin to listen to me, times when I was pretty positive I was the worst counselor and felt bad for my girls that were stuck with me, times when I was so exhausted I didn't think that I could make it through another day (let alone another week) and times when I just wanted to give up, get in my car and leave.

But I didn't and I'm so glad that I didn't! It was one of the hardest, most rewarding experiences of my life.

I learned to do things that I had never done before - I learned how to build a fire, how to cook a meal on that fire, I learned how to do archery, how to make a friendship bracelet, how to help a kid that was homesick, moose safety tips, overcame my fear of the high dive, went on the longest trail ride of my life, mucked tons of horse poop, sang loads of songs, slept under the stars for the first time, got savvy on British slang, built some lifelong friendships, said "hype" more than I ever have, lived without technology, I learned more about my self and the world around me. I learned some really valuable things that I am so so grateful for.

'The Camp Song'
by Peter Katz

How can I explain
What I take away
When the autumn falls
And we go our separate ways

What is it exactly
How can I describe
All that I discovered
By that fireside

Some things aren’t defined
Some things they’re just right

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear

Lying in that field
Sleeping with the sky
Something bound between us
Without us knowing why

From that moment on
Nothing could undo
The feeling of belonging
That would always be true

Some things don’t need words
Some things they just work

‘Cause it’s more than the green of trees
It’s more than the summer breeze
The smell of rocks and water
Washing over me
It’s more than the orange fire
It’s more than the fishing wire
It’s more than the cabin walls
Or that morning bugle call
                                               
It’s something you can’t touch
But you can hold so dear
And maybe it’s not much
But it’s I'll be back next year

Camp Roger

So in less than 24 hours I'll officially be a YMCA camp counselor and I'M SO EXCITED!!! And maybe a little nervous...

I sure hope the kids like me and that I'm fun and outgoing enough to have a good time. I also hope that I don't have too much of a withdraw from my electronics, especially my phone. I've become very fond of communicating with family and friends whenever I want this past year.. It might be hard to go back to letter writing, but hopefully I'll survive!

It'll be quite the adventure and I'm sure I'll learn a whole lot in the next two and a half months!

Walk Into Love With Him

Because falling can break your limbs, and the impact will never leave you the same again.

I've said the words "I love you" to two boys my whole life (in a romantic way). The first was because I was young and dumb, I didn't know what love was and he accepted me for me. Later I found out that it wasn't love, just a very unique friendship. The second was to a boy that I really did love. We talked about getting married and building a life together, but the timing just wasn't right. 

After that my heart was so broken that I didn't want to (and sometimes thought I couldn't) love anyone else. 

So four years went by. I dated boys I shouldn't have, I rejected really great guys for no apparent reason, except for the fact that it just didn't feel right.

Then a boy came along and made me forget why I was afraid of commitment. He made me wonder why my heart had been so guarded. And after years of running, I found myself letting this boy walk right into my heart and making himself at home.

So last night I said "I love you" to the third boy in my entire life. He said it me a few weeks ago and had been so understanding when I explained how much those three little words meant to me and why I wasn't ready to say them yet. So luckily he knows I mean it and he knows that it means a whole lot to me. 

And.. well, I really do love him. Not the kind of fleeting, lusting, fragile, conditional love that is found so often in this world. I love him in the middle of the afternoon when I'm running around and busy, I love him at the end of a long day when everything is irritating, I love him when he's vulnerable and making mistakes, I love him when he's being silly and embarrassing. I want to be in his life, at his best and his worst.

My love for him is a decision and a promise and it only grows stronger with each passing day.  

One Year Home!

The fact that I've been home from my mission for a year now just floors me. I seriously cannot believe it's been so long.

I spent the day going to school, working, doing laundry and hanging out with my boyfriend.

My, how things can change in a year.

Relief Society Reflection

Okay kids, you see, I'm not the type that loves Relief Society meetings on Sunday. Since I've been home from my mission I rarely participate and definitely don't look forward to that last hour on Sundays. 

Girls are not my favorite creatures on the planet, they are dramatic and sensitive and I just don't get along well with them. However, there are the select few that I just LOVE. And the one that taught the lesson today is one of them. I completely understand her, she's so down to earth and relate-able and funny. She's just great. 

Today she taught on faith. She started the lesson by asking us three questions:

1. A time you knew that you knew God was mindful of you. 

When I got home from my mission I really struggled finding a place to live. I had bought a contract for this place called Austin Ridge Apartments but when I saw the outside of them I was horrified! They probably aren't that bad but I really didn't want to live there. So I said some prayers and talked to my family and tried to not panic too hard. The very next day after seeing them, Anneli got married. As we were at the wedding, Kayla Westover told me she was planning on getting married and needed to sell her contract to Bridgerland Apartments (which is where I wanted to live in the first place) So I took a leap of faith and bought her contract, and luckily I was able to sell the contract I had to Austin Ridge! And it's been wonderful living in Bridgerland. There are no coincidences, only tender mercies and miracles.

2. Someone who has blessed your life this year.
Katie Gudestrup. Easy. I know for a fact that one of the main reasons I lived in Bridgerland this year was so that I could have the opportunity to meet her and live with her. She has richly blessed my life, in so many ways. She has helped me learn how to love myself and see how great I really am. She helped me learn to accept myself and my imperfections and she helped me realize that I don't need someone else (especially a boy) to love me in order to love myself. She really has saved me in so many ways this semester. There are definitely angels among us.

3. What is sitting in your heart?
Something that has been in my heart lately is the compulsion to be more loving to others around me. I want to have more charity and more compassionate for those who I interact with. I want to be less judgmental, more accepting, and help everyone more than I have been. To see others as the Lord sees them.

Moral of the story - I am so grateful for the Relief Society lesson today, and even more grateful that the Spirit came into my heart and helped me listen, reflect and learn from what was said. One of my prayers today was to hear the messages that the Lord wanted me to hear, and considering what I got out of the lesson wasn't necessarily the topic, I am so grateful for the inspiration the Lord is willing to give us.

Nathan James

So I have this thing, where I will be interested in a boy, I'll flirt with him, try to get him to ask me out (sometimes he will) then as soon as he actually starts to like me or even think about any sort of commitment, I freak out, decide I don't like him at all and completely push him out of my life.

Then I met Nathan James.

I had gotten to know him a little bit at the beginning of fall semester when we started working together, I developed a bit of a crush on him, but then I found out he had a girlfriend. So there went that! I of course continued to be his friend and get to know him more. Fast forward many months. I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and I could tell he was pretty upset about it. I felt really bad for him, so I just kept being the best friend I knew how to be. 

Then I started having feelings for him again. In my eyes, he is just so good. Genuinely good. The good that makes you feel comfortable and know that he won't ever intentionally do anything to hurt you, or anyone for that matter. The kind of good you want to surround yourself with because you know it will help you be good.

And I don't usually get the "good" ones.

Nevertheless, I did my usual flirting, trying-to-get-him-to-ask-me-out thing. And when weeks went by and nothing happened, I was a bit discouraged, but not willing to give up my friendship with him. 

Then one day he did ask me on a date! And then I asked him on one. Then he asked me. And within a few weeks I lost count. All I knew was that I really liked him and I liked spending time with him.

Which brings us to this weekend.

He invited me to watch Star Wars with him (I have never seen it and never had a desire to see it) but it was an excuse to be with him so I accepted. We talked for awhile and, knowing that I wasn't the biggest fan of Star Wars, he asked me a question. "Out of everything you could've been doing with your Friday night, why did you choose to spend it watching Star Wars with me?" So I was honest and told him that it was because I like him and I like spending time with him.

So we decided to see each other the very next day.

He came over after I got off work and we watched a chick flick (he repayment for me watching Star Wars) and we went to the store with my roommates. That's where he asked me if I'd go on a walk with him later that night. I accepted of course. On our walk he asked me lots of questions. About what I wanted, what I thought about things, we talked about his family and me meeting them, 

He also told me that he would like to be my boyfriend. 

And I didn't freak out!

I'm going to Idaho with him this week, his sister Nichole is getting home from her mission and he wants me to come with him. He wants to introduce me to his family but seeing as how it's a pretty big family day, I'm going to wait to meet them. But I do get to spend 9 hours in the car with him! So that'll be a fun drive.

The moral of the story is that I feel really good about this. Neither one of us are ready for marriage right now, so don't get all worked up. But I like him a lot. And he likes me enough to give this relationship a shot, which is enough for me! And the best part of this is that we're in it because we care enough about each other to want to help one another and help each other be happy. If that's not a good starting point, I don't know what is.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple weeks, and I don't know what's going to happen when we have to spend the summer apart, but I do know that I feel oddly calm about it all.

I'm not freaking out!

And I like that a whole lot.

The Dating Scene

Dating is a common topic in my life. 

I'm a 23 year old returned missionary living in Logan, Utah. My bishop talks about dating all the time, my roommates talk about dating all the time. My visiting teachers and home teachers constantly ask me about dating. My family wants to know all the ins and outs of my dating escapades. I was even on a dating panel in my ward the other week, giving advice and answering common questions and concerns about dating. And I am constantly surrounded by engagements, wedding announcements, break-ups, new babies, and all that comes with the falling in and out of love.

So where does that leave me?

Well, a year ago, I was a full-time missionary preparing to come home. In my mind, I'd move back to Logan, start up school again, and dating would just... happen. And I figured it wouldn't happen right away but I thought that, pretty soon, it would "work out" and I would get married. Now, I haven't completely given up that thought, and I'm still holding fast to the faith that it will, one day, "work out". But it has proven to be a lot harder than expected.

You see, I'm imperfect (crazy, I know) and I'm surrounded by imperfect boys who, in most cases, are just as scared about this whole dating thing as I am. And it seems that the boy I want to ask me out always has his eyes set on another girl. But the boys I'm not interested in, are chomping at the bit ready to ask me out and are already thinking of marriage plans. It's quite the predicament. 

Up until last week, I had only been asked on a date by one boy that I actually really liked! (two days later he took out another girl who he is marrying in a couple weeks.) And that's pretty much how it's gone.

Dating is hard. Everyone is pining after or interested in someone, and usually that person is going after someone else. We put in so much effort only to get rejected or get our hearts broken. We spend money, time, and effort on people who usually don't appreciate and hardly ever will reciprocate it. 

So why do we do it?

We do it for the one. The one person it's finally going to work out with. The one person that will completely shock us with the invitation to join them at an activity. The one person who will be just as nervous and scared as we are because, for once, we mean as much to them as they do to us. That one person that we'll feel so wonderfully comfortable with, yet who will push us to be and do better. We do it for that one person. 

So in the meantime, we put up with the confusion, with the rejection, with the agitation and the pain. We do that now so that when we meet the one we will recognize and appreciate the joy and the comfort and pure bliss that we feel with them.

And once I have luck with that one, my one, dating won't be consuming my life, which will just be a cherry on top.