Walk Into Love With Him

Because falling can break your limbs, and the impact will never leave you the same again.

I've said the words "I love you" to two boys my whole life (in a romantic way). The first was because I was young and dumb, I didn't know what love was and he accepted me for me. Later I found out that it wasn't love, just a very unique friendship. The second was to a boy that I really did love. We talked about getting married and building a life together, but the timing just wasn't right. 

After that my heart was so broken that I didn't want to (and sometimes thought I couldn't) love anyone else. 

So four years went by. I dated boys I shouldn't have, I rejected really great guys for no apparent reason, except for the fact that it just didn't feel right.

Then a boy came along and made me forget why I was afraid of commitment. He made me wonder why my heart had been so guarded. And after years of running, I found myself letting this boy walk right into my heart and making himself at home.

So last night I said "I love you" to the third boy in my entire life. He said it me a few weeks ago and had been so understanding when I explained how much those three little words meant to me and why I wasn't ready to say them yet. So luckily he knows I mean it and he knows that it means a whole lot to me. 

And.. well, I really do love him. Not the kind of fleeting, lusting, fragile, conditional love that is found so often in this world. I love him in the middle of the afternoon when I'm running around and busy, I love him at the end of a long day when everything is irritating, I love him when he's vulnerable and making mistakes, I love him when he's being silly and embarrassing. I want to be in his life, at his best and his worst.

My love for him is a decision and a promise and it only grows stronger with each passing day.  

One Year Home!

The fact that I've been home from my mission for a year now just floors me. I seriously cannot believe it's been so long.

I spent the day going to school, working, doing laundry and hanging out with my boyfriend.

My, how things can change in a year.

Relief Society Reflection

Okay kids, you see, I'm not the type that loves Relief Society meetings on Sunday. Since I've been home from my mission I rarely participate and definitely don't look forward to that last hour on Sundays. 

Girls are not my favorite creatures on the planet, they are dramatic and sensitive and I just don't get along well with them. However, there are the select few that I just LOVE. And the one that taught the lesson today is one of them. I completely understand her, she's so down to earth and relate-able and funny. She's just great. 

Today she taught on faith. She started the lesson by asking us three questions:

1. A time you knew that you knew God was mindful of you. 

When I got home from my mission I really struggled finding a place to live. I had bought a contract for this place called Austin Ridge Apartments but when I saw the outside of them I was horrified! They probably aren't that bad but I really didn't want to live there. So I said some prayers and talked to my family and tried to not panic too hard. The very next day after seeing them, Anneli got married. As we were at the wedding, Kayla Westover told me she was planning on getting married and needed to sell her contract to Bridgerland Apartments (which is where I wanted to live in the first place) So I took a leap of faith and bought her contract, and luckily I was able to sell the contract I had to Austin Ridge! And it's been wonderful living in Bridgerland. There are no coincidences, only tender mercies and miracles.

2. Someone who has blessed your life this year.
Katie Gudestrup. Easy. I know for a fact that one of the main reasons I lived in Bridgerland this year was so that I could have the opportunity to meet her and live with her. She has richly blessed my life, in so many ways. She has helped me learn how to love myself and see how great I really am. She helped me learn to accept myself and my imperfections and she helped me realize that I don't need someone else (especially a boy) to love me in order to love myself. She really has saved me in so many ways this semester. There are definitely angels among us.

3. What is sitting in your heart?
Something that has been in my heart lately is the compulsion to be more loving to others around me. I want to have more charity and more compassionate for those who I interact with. I want to be less judgmental, more accepting, and help everyone more than I have been. To see others as the Lord sees them.

Moral of the story - I am so grateful for the Relief Society lesson today, and even more grateful that the Spirit came into my heart and helped me listen, reflect and learn from what was said. One of my prayers today was to hear the messages that the Lord wanted me to hear, and considering what I got out of the lesson wasn't necessarily the topic, I am so grateful for the inspiration the Lord is willing to give us.

Nathan James

So I have this thing, where I will be interested in a boy, I'll flirt with him, try to get him to ask me out (sometimes he will) then as soon as he actually starts to like me or even think about any sort of commitment, I freak out, decide I don't like him at all and completely push him out of my life.

Then I met Nathan James.

I had gotten to know him a little bit at the beginning of fall semester when we started working together, I developed a bit of a crush on him, but then I found out he had a girlfriend. So there went that! I of course continued to be his friend and get to know him more. Fast forward many months. I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and I could tell he was pretty upset about it. I felt really bad for him, so I just kept being the best friend I knew how to be. 

Then I started having feelings for him again. In my eyes, he is just so good. Genuinely good. The good that makes you feel comfortable and know that he won't ever intentionally do anything to hurt you, or anyone for that matter. The kind of good you want to surround yourself with because you know it will help you be good.

And I don't usually get the "good" ones.

Nevertheless, I did my usual flirting, trying-to-get-him-to-ask-me-out thing. And when weeks went by and nothing happened, I was a bit discouraged, but not willing to give up my friendship with him. 

Then one day he did ask me on a date! And then I asked him on one. Then he asked me. And within a few weeks I lost count. All I knew was that I really liked him and I liked spending time with him.

Which brings us to this weekend.

He invited me to watch Star Wars with him (I have never seen it and never had a desire to see it) but it was an excuse to be with him so I accepted. We talked for awhile and, knowing that I wasn't the biggest fan of Star Wars, he asked me a question. "Out of everything you could've been doing with your Friday night, why did you choose to spend it watching Star Wars with me?" So I was honest and told him that it was because I like him and I like spending time with him.

So we decided to see each other the very next day.

He came over after I got off work and we watched a chick flick (he repayment for me watching Star Wars) and we went to the store with my roommates. That's where he asked me if I'd go on a walk with him later that night. I accepted of course. On our walk he asked me lots of questions. About what I wanted, what I thought about things, we talked about his family and me meeting them, 

He also told me that he would like to be my boyfriend. 

And I didn't freak out!

I'm going to Idaho with him this week, his sister Nichole is getting home from her mission and he wants me to come with him. He wants to introduce me to his family but seeing as how it's a pretty big family day, I'm going to wait to meet them. But I do get to spend 9 hours in the car with him! So that'll be a fun drive.

The moral of the story is that I feel really good about this. Neither one of us are ready for marriage right now, so don't get all worked up. But I like him a lot. And he likes me enough to give this relationship a shot, which is enough for me! And the best part of this is that we're in it because we care enough about each other to want to help one another and help each other be happy. If that's not a good starting point, I don't know what is.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple weeks, and I don't know what's going to happen when we have to spend the summer apart, but I do know that I feel oddly calm about it all.

I'm not freaking out!

And I like that a whole lot.

The Dating Scene

Dating is a common topic in my life. 

I'm a 23 year old returned missionary living in Logan, Utah. My bishop talks about dating all the time, my roommates talk about dating all the time. My visiting teachers and home teachers constantly ask me about dating. My family wants to know all the ins and outs of my dating escapades. I was even on a dating panel in my ward the other week, giving advice and answering common questions and concerns about dating. And I am constantly surrounded by engagements, wedding announcements, break-ups, new babies, and all that comes with the falling in and out of love.

So where does that leave me?

Well, a year ago, I was a full-time missionary preparing to come home. In my mind, I'd move back to Logan, start up school again, and dating would just... happen. And I figured it wouldn't happen right away but I thought that, pretty soon, it would "work out" and I would get married. Now, I haven't completely given up that thought, and I'm still holding fast to the faith that it will, one day, "work out". But it has proven to be a lot harder than expected.

You see, I'm imperfect (crazy, I know) and I'm surrounded by imperfect boys who, in most cases, are just as scared about this whole dating thing as I am. And it seems that the boy I want to ask me out always has his eyes set on another girl. But the boys I'm not interested in, are chomping at the bit ready to ask me out and are already thinking of marriage plans. It's quite the predicament. 

Up until last week, I had only been asked on a date by one boy that I actually really liked! (two days later he took out another girl who he is marrying in a couple weeks.) And that's pretty much how it's gone.

Dating is hard. Everyone is pining after or interested in someone, and usually that person is going after someone else. We put in so much effort only to get rejected or get our hearts broken. We spend money, time, and effort on people who usually don't appreciate and hardly ever will reciprocate it. 

So why do we do it?

We do it for the one. The one person it's finally going to work out with. The one person that will completely shock us with the invitation to join them at an activity. The one person who will be just as nervous and scared as we are because, for once, we mean as much to them as they do to us. That one person that we'll feel so wonderfully comfortable with, yet who will push us to be and do better. We do it for that one person. 

So in the meantime, we put up with the confusion, with the rejection, with the agitation and the pain. We do that now so that when we meet the one we will recognize and appreciate the joy and the comfort and pure bliss that we feel with them.

And once I have luck with that one, my one, dating won't be consuming my life, which will just be a cherry on top.

Tender Mercies and Miracles

There are a number of reasons why I don't believe in coincidences. 

This weekend is one of them. 

I went back to california to visit my mission (again), but this time for one specific reason. One of my recent converts, Arely Cuevas, was going to recieve her endowments. I wanted to be there by her side and support her in making additional convenants with the Lord. I remember when I was endowed and how incredible it felt to have two of my missionaries there. One of them, Elder Lynn, had just returned home from his mission and took the fourteen hour drive from Canada to be there with me. I wanted to be that support for Arely. So, with about five days' notice, I threw together a plan to get down to California. 

Little did I know that there were more reasons why I needed to be there.

I arrived in California early Saturday morning, about 7:30am. I stopped by to see one of my recent converts, Martina Mora. We chatted for a bit and she took me to the church building in San Bernardino, where Fletcher Riches and I decided to meet. We had planned on going to Rialto to visit Karina and her husband and then take some of the elders out to lunch. We were running late and couldn't meet with Karina but it was so great to be back in that area and see some familiar sights and spend some time with the elders.

After a little time in Rialto I tagged along with Fletcher as he and one of his recent converts ran some errands. I found out that Fletcher was going to a baptism that day in Fontana and he told me that the person being baptized was Fernando Estrada. I taught him my very first transfer! I remember how, after every lesson with him, my companion and I would get in the car and talk about how he was going to be a stake president one day. I thought he had disappeared and stopped meeting with the missionaries, so hearing that he was going to be baptized was such happy news to me!

Fletcher and Maggie dropped me off at the Peterson's house so that I could go with them to the endowment session for Arely. We get to the temple, change, and I'm sitting in the endowment room. As I'm looking around, I notice a lot of members from other areas I served in and it just made me so happy! At first I thought it was strange that so many people that I knew were in this one endowment session, then I realized that there are limited Spanish endowment sessions in the Redlands temple. 

Before long I realized why they were all there. 

After Arely came into the endowment room, Hermana Aguilar from Rialto came in with her mom, who is 98 years old. She was receiving her own endowment! I just happened to be sitting next to Hermana Gonzales from Fontana (who is her daughter) and when she came in, Hermana Gonzales started to cry. It was such a cool experience. Then I see Hermana and Hermano Paredes from Redlands come into the endowment room. They were both recieving their endowments as well! so I got to be there as four wonderful people that I knew and worked with, made covenants with the Lord and progressed in their eternal salvation.

As we were in the Celestial Room of the temple, I remember looking around and seeing such familiar faces and being so so happy. Then one of the temple workers came up to me and asked "Are you here for the sealing?" I asked him what sealing he was talking about. He told me that the couple that had just been endowed (the Paredes) were now going to be sealed as a family. He invited us to go into the sealing room if we'd like to witness it. So we made our way to the sealing room! As I was sitting there, watching this faithful family be sealed for time and all eternity, I was reminded that the Lord is mindful of each and every one of us, always. I am so grateful for the ability I had to be there and to witness that family become eternal. 

Later we went to dinner at Sizzler and I went with Arely and Gustavo back to their house to spend the night. I also got to see Jose and talk to him for a little bit. He's changed a lot since we were teaching him and I could see how a lack of the gospel has affected him and his life.

The next day was Sunday and I had the blessing to be able to attend Rialto 4th and Fontana. Fletcher offered to come pick me up in Highland but I had already asked the Larios family to give me a ride. I am so grateful to have so many people willing to do me such big favors! So after the sacrament in Rialto, Fletcher and I headed to Fontana. I didn't think anyone would remember me because I served there over two and a half years ago! But my heart was so happy to see familiar faces and see how excited they were that I was there. California and the people there really have stolen my heart. I even got to exchange phone numbers with a few people in the Sierra ward because they wanted me to let them know the next time I visit California. However, one of the best parts of going to church in Fontana was being able to see Fernando Estrada be confirmed a member of the Church and receive the Holy Ghost. The blessings of my mission just keep coming! I've been home for over a year, I never thought I'd see an investigator from my first area get baptized. I am so happy for him and his family, and so grateful for the "payday" I had as President Van Cott would put it.

I know that I was supposed to go to California this weekend. I went for the purpose of seeing one convert be endowed and ended up seeing four people be endowed, a sealing and a confirmation. It brought me so much happiness to be able to be there to witness and support such amazing progression in the gospel for people I care so much about.
I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves us so much that He makes it possible for us to experience such happiness. He cares about the smallest things in our lives and will always bless us as we're trying our best and following His commandments.

There are no coincidences, only tender mercies and miracles.

Black Ice

Something that has been on my mind lately is black ice. Maybe it's because I've slipped one too many times this winter, maybe because it's the bane of my existence, who can say? 

But the other day I was walking along and I saw a patch of it a few feet ahead of me. At first I thought, "It's okay, I'll keep walking and when I get closer to it, I'll just avoid it. Simple." Then my second thought was "Stephanie, that's a rookie mistake and you know it. It's black ice. You won't see it when you get closer." So I changed my direction right then, and you know what? My feet were steady. Not one millimeter did they slip! 

So I got to thinking about this - sin is just like black ice. The adversary will drop a little temptation in our path. Maybe we see it and think, "I'll be able to avoid it when it comes, I'll just keep doing my thing." But just like black ice, the closer we get, the more invisible it is. Then before we know it, we're right there, in the thick of it, loosing our footing second by second and we usually fall. 

Why is this important to recognize? Because if we realize that sin is just as dangerous (actually significantly more dangerous), we will understand how important it is to change our direction as soon as we sense any temptation or possibility of falling. And if there's one thing I've learned living in a place that gets colder than Anchorage, Alaska..

Where there's snow, there's ice.